My long years of suffering from anxiety disorder (anxiety neurosis) began with a terrific fear of having a heart attack every evening while trying to fall asleep; however, I was only nine years old.
Not knowing what death was all about, I had a very rough time accepting and understanding death! And with the Vietnam war raging on, the terrible spector of death was all over the media and in the news quite often. In additon to the news I often heard about neighbors, relatives, etc., dying from this or that disease, or watched on TV programs and movies of people dropping dead from heart attacks, seizures, accidents, violence, and other such mishaps. At first I could not accept that I was only mortal, but I soon became more and more afraid of the same sort of things happening to me.
My imagination worked overtime at creating all sorts of terrible scenarios of what happens during and after one dies! I also had a terrible time with how innocent people would suffer all their life only to just die. Life without any justice for the opressed and ill just did not make any sense, in fact seemed down right terrible! I would suffer merciless hazing from sadistic classmates for years and years and really wonder how utterly unfair, depressing and unjust life seemed. I would be completely dumbfounded to learn that the bully types always seemed to have the most beautiful girlfriends, and never once did I ever even have a plain looking girlfriend!
The prospect of losing a loved one to such a dreadful fate seemed just as awful. In 1991, my mother passed away after a terrible fight against breast cancer. Of course I was very close to my mother, I loved her dearly but learned the hard way that no one lives forever. Then many frustrating things continued to happen to me for many years after that terrible loss.
If only I knew for certain that there is a life after death it would not only calm my fear of death but also help greatly to deal with my grief of losing my mother and all the injustices, absurdities, and suffering in my life and in the world. That’s right, I mentioned “absurdities” because life in this physical world, especially with all its imperfections, without some greater meaning or purpose would seem extremely absurd!
I would get pannic attacks just thinking about how little is known about such things as death and I would get especially terrified when I start to get convinced by some of those agnostic or athiest scientists and/or materialistic paranormal phenomena debunkers that all consciousness is stuck the physical brain and that’s all we are! — just these awful sloshy brains! And when it’s time to croak, that’s all folks, no more you! And if your life was absolutely terrible and unfair, and/or was born blind, retarded, etc., well too bad folks! That was the only chance you had! This truely frightening and grim outlook created in my heart utter dispair and emptiness. My logical mind was saying “there can’t be life after death, there was no evidence, no scientific proof of that” yet in my heart I could not, and did not want to accept it or believe there wasn’t. So there was this big struggle within myself from the late 1960’s to early 1990’s to try to convince my logical, reasoning mind that we are not just the physical body!
There was a separate issue involving God too: that some media sources were saying (back in the 1960’s and 1970’s) that “God was dead.” How could they be saying that the absolutely vital “something” that I had been yearning for nearly all my life was dead? How could the real, one and only thing that my heart always longed for be dead?
When overwhelmed by what the skeptical, materialistic scientists and existentialists would say it was so hard to bear I felt crushed by the weight of their hard, cold reasoning and desperately searched for a way out of that level of conciousness where hopefully I could find definite and undeniable proof of an afterlife and not only just proof of survival, but also of its quality and meaningfulness.
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What really upset me was when I would finally find a great paperback book on the afterlife, I would soon hear that author being debunked as another fraud in the mainstream media, and then again and again… The same thing would happen on books about natural cures for depression and anxiety disorder, no one would take them seriously except a few brave pioneers in the field of alternative and naturopathic medicine, yet how could they be wrong when over and over again I kept experiencing actual improvements in my condition from following their nutritional plans?
The desperately needed answers finally came to me through books on yoga (now available on Amazon) such as: Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramhansa Yogananda and on the near-death experience and life after death such as Embraced by the Light by Betty Jean Eadie, Saved by the Light by Dannion Brinkley, and most recently, Voices in the Dark by Leslie Flint. I found comfort in many other books and cable TV programs as well such as the “Unsolved Mysteries,” series, etc. Then on the internet I found many websites with countless personal accounts of near-death experiences with some being quite remarkable. Whenever I felt depressed, I would look for a really good near-death experience story either on the internet, in magazines or in a book and read it! I would order as many books and videos as I could on the subject and find them extremely interesting. I could tell these people were sincere and could not have been dreaming or imagining their profound experiences. Again the skeptics would come and say that it was an artifact of the dying brain, weird effects of oxygen stavation, and drug-induced hallucinations, etc. I soon began to see through their shallow, brain-oriented outlook especially after reading how while completely “dead” on an operating table many individuals were able to see and hear what doctors and nurses were saying and able to see things later verified such as a tennis shoe on a roof, etc. or even what relatives were doing and saying many miles away. An “artifact of a dying brain” did all that? Come on! Fortunately I was blessed with a few undeniable personal experiences as well which helped to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that life indeed does go on after death and not only that it is very good, very meaningful and quite wholesome and complete. It turns out that it is the other way around: we are the “dead” and the spirits are the “living” being much more alive, awake and full of love and compassion than most of us bound in the physical body can be. Finally the internet comes along and in a few years after the turn of the mellennium I make my personal discovery of a lifetime: Leslie Flint, who had to have been the greatest, yet most thoroughly tested direct voice medium of the 20th century. Why did I not hear of him before? He could never be and never was actually debunked by anyone, ever! The only ones who ever called him “fraudulent” turned out to be so steeped in closed-minded prejudice themselves that even when the spirits came right in their faces they still would not be convinced! Their expainations were so ludicrous that it made one wonder who was making the most improbable claims? No matter how hard they tired, the debunkers could find nothing convincing whatsoever against Leslie Flint. To the Christian fundamentalists, mainstream scientists, and materialisitc skeptics, Leslie Flint’s direct voice mediumship with the afterlife was an inconvenient truth! When finally hearing more than a hundred recordings over the internet of the actual voices of those who had been “dead” for years, it was amazing, amazing, awesome and a wondrous revelation of something in my heart I felt to be true forever: that there had to be a somehow and a somewhere life can finally have its real, long saught out answers and fulfillments. For more information on this poorly understood topic, please go to: Life After Death Experiences – Connecting to the Reality of the Afterlife (Who Said the Dead Never Came Back to Talk About It?) Even God has been “resurrected” as the “Zero Point Field” of quantum physics — that “dark energy” that is the Creator and Sustainer of all things as well as that incredible energy that is causing the expansion of the universe. Now I no longer have to search for someone who’s “not there.” |
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